Dealing With Difficult People

"Difficult people are given to us as a test of our understanding
of the human condition." -K. Jones

Five Characteristics of Difficult People (Bissell)

• They have a predictable, abrasive style of behavior.
• They are experienced as "difficult" by most people.
• They keep the blame outside themselves. (or may take blame for everything)
• They are robbers of your time and energy.
• Their behavior is out of proportion to the problem. -tend to surround themselves with crises

Eight Most Common Types of Difficult People (Jones)

• The Whiner-Complainer
• The Know-It-All
• The Overzealous Competitor
• The Catatonic Unresponsive
• The Bully
• The Non-Listener
• The Hopelessly Impatient
• The Volcano

Pitfalls to Avoid in Dealing With Difficult People (B)

• Do not excuse their behavior
• Do not ignore their behavior
• Do not try to change them
• Do not fight or run away; do not play games.

Five Positive Steps to Take in Dealing with Difficult People (B)

1. Stand up
2. Talk straight
3. Listen!
4. Avoid triangles
5. Move toward problem solving

Ten Steps to Problem Solving (B)

1. Identify the emotional climate
2. Identify the problem.
3. Stay on the problem.
4. No blaming once problem solving has begun.
5. Use no put downs.
6. List alternatives.
7. Evaluate alternatives in light of cost.
8. Select an alternative.
9. Be clear about procedure.
10. Evaluate the success.

Common Traits of Assertive People (J)

• The ability to present their ideas without fear or shyness.
• A genuine concern for the thoughts and feelings of others, which encourages a fair exchange of ideas.
• Certain physical signs like direct eye contact, posture that is straight yet leans toward the other person, and positive facial expressions, which are displayed only when genuine -not merely to be polite.
• The rare ability to present an idea and then pause effectively - so that the other person may speak.
• The ability to see a situation objectively. This means that all pettiness about previous events or personality conflicts are not brought into the discussion.
• Quiet confidence; both feet on the ground despite trials and obstacles; also knowing when to stop discussion that goes nowhere.

Final Checklist (J)

• Have I thoroughly listened to this person's gripes?
• Have I reacted in a calm manner?
• Have I taken into account what this person's underlying fears or concerns might be?
• Have I avoided placing blame and instead talked about how to correct the situation - for the good of all?
• Have I presented my own concerns or ideas in a helpful, positive manner?
• Have I maintained my sense of humor and tried to be an inspiration to others around me, including the difficult person?
• Has every possible attempt been fully explored and attempted? (May even write these out in a journal)

BIBLIOGRAPHY:
Bissel, B. "Dealing With Difficult People" Seminar at Kent State University, Kent, Ohio, 1991.
Jones, K.Z. (1992). Succeeding With Difficult People. Longmeadow Press: CT.